Sunday, December 30, 2012
Loving You-My Wish for 2013
I think I am settling into the holiday blues. You know, after Christmas and all the the fuss and festivities..when the parties are over, every one goes home and you are alone with your thoughts. Well, I am alone with my thoughts and I am feeling all this love for you well up inside me because I can't give it to you. Not the way I want to any way.
So, I let out a huge sigh and write some more. The tears stick in my throat and my heart actually hurts. It will be okay. I know that, but for now I feel the pain of loving you. It hurts because I can't touch you, or see you or feel you or smell you or kiss you or hug you or talk with you or hear you laugh and I miss you. I miss loving you.
Some days when I am busy with work, I glance over at your picture and say a quick prayer, but I am busy and can't take the minutes to feel the pain of loving you. Maybe that's a good thing. I see your smile in a picture and I think a good thought, and I am back at work..too busy to grieve at that moment.
Grief is a tough emotion. I think I am still grieving every day and don't realize it until something catches me off guard and I get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and I remember "that day." I hate it. I don't like to think about it. That makes it real and some days that is just too much to handle. How can it still be so hard to imagine, you being gone? Pretending you might still come back doesn't work any more, the truth seeps in too quickly and I can't fool myself into believing you are on a trip. The blessed fog I once drifted in has lifted and I have to face reality more and more.
Loving you should not be like this. It should bring joy to my heart and make me smile. Instead, it crushes me and makes it hard to breathe. I know I am not alone in my grief. Other moms have told me they have had these feelings, too. Cried buckets of tears until they thought there were no more, only to discover that when they woke up, the pain did not lessen and the tears were fresh and your stomach would hurt from sobbing. And then, one day out of no where you remember something sweet and wonderful and you smile.
I almost felt guilty the first time, but after that, it became a little easier when I would recall a memory or a moment that would bring a smile or a nod. Little by little, the darkness lifted and I could share Shanny with the world again. I love her so and always will..
It helps to reach out to others. It helps to talk about her. To share her. Loving her means being strong enough to work though some grief; enough to keep loving her and not isolate or become withdrawn. I have learned sometimes it helps to listen, too. I am not the only one who has suffered a loss, and in sharing and being open to reaching out to others who have also lost a child, I am healing.
If I am healing, I am loving Shannon. She would want me to try to help people who were hurting by giving folks a place to come together and share their stories and their feelings. That's what this blog is really all about. It is a place to heal. I want 2013 to be a year of Healing for all of us! If we can grow this blog by sharing it with someone each day, think of all the people we can reach and help. I would love it if you would help me with your feedback and comments. Lifting each other up in prayer will be awesome, and we can start a Healing Chain through this blog. If there is something you want to explore or discuss, please let me know by posting it on this site. Open discussions are always welcome.Sign up with Google+ at the bottom of the page, or email me and I will be happy to help.My email address is firstname.lastname@example.org.
So, if you haven't signed up as a follower -please become one. If you know someone who could benefit from reading and sharing this blog, please pass it on. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask and if you would like to leave a comment, please do.
You are always welcome to share your story or just a thought or two. Blessings! Let the Healing Begin in 2013!
I will always continue to pray because I know the power of prayer and faith as a mother grieves, how about you?