Saturday, January 5, 2013

Angel Love

I believe in Angel love..
And all its different forms,
It comforts, hugs and kisses and even keeps us warm.
It needs no invitation, its always welcome here,
To wrap its loving wings around me and bring Shanny's memory near.
She comes in colors vivid, blowing kisses and bringing love,
And I know its love from Shanny from Heaven up above.

Sometimes, as I sleep I see sweet images of Shanny and I feel so blessed and comforted. I know God has her and is taking great care of her in Heaven, but I miss her touch here. I miss her smile and her voice. I miss her phone calls and her giggles. I even miss our arguments which led to our talks and our becoming more aware of each other as women and recognizing each other's points of view.

I also know that God hears my prayers and  is aware of my sadness. He has great plans for Shannon and for me if I am open to Him and listen when I pray. I am learning to be quiet and take time to reflect on my words rather than just recite them. Words are a very powerful means of communication and carry a lot of responsibility in any form, but especially with every person we engage in conversation. Listening is every bit as important as talking. It is an active part of communicating-and it has taken me a lot of years to learn how to listen with the intention of understanding and not forming a reply.

I believe that as I go through my grief and experience all the different emotions, I had to learn to express what I was feeling and allow myself to feel every emotion and not just the ones I was comfortable with feeling. Some emotions snuck up on me and I wasn't prepared for them. Like anger-I told myself because I was Christian I would be forgiving and not 'go there.' Well, I was wrong. I went there, and when I did, I was very rude to some people and acted out. I remember in group, seeing other folks in their anger stage and telling myself, I will never allow myself to feel that way..

Sometimes, the best laid plans often go awry. There is a reason for that to happen. If I had not experienced anger and somehow bottled it up, I would have exploded or imploded- somewhere, somehow at some time. My Angel love, directed it to happen at the exact time it was supposed to. I believe that now.

If I profess to believe in God, who am I to question this process of grief? I am trying to give it to Him every day, and not take it back, not control it. That is where my Angel love helps me..it's as real as He is, I promise. Just allow yourself to believe. Believe in Angels. They are all around us. Watch for their signs. And listen-not just with your hearing but also with your heart.

And I try to set my fears aside. This is new territory for me. Trusting-it is difficult at times to let go of my fear long enough to take hold of my Angel. But when I do, it is something special. It opens up a whole different world for me. I see Shanny in the eyes of her children. I feel her next to me at church. I see her vividly in my dreams and I breathe deeply of her essence and know she is near. She is not gone, she has merely gone on..but not left me. God's promise of eternal life, I believe is real. You need only seek salvation.Have faith and know Him as your Savior.

And of course, I will continue to pray-because you and I both know the power of prayer and faith as a mother grieves.