Monday, January 7, 2013

My Heart Speaks

There are days my mind is quiet. I must admit it can be peaceful. Sometimes, I bask in the restful places of my youth, my early life, and even now-my less stressful days. I allow myself to enjoy the moment. 

And there are days when my mouth is quiet. For those that know me, this may come as a surprise. A welcome surprise for some, I am sure. On those days, I am taking in what is before me. Whether I am in deep thought, or reflection-I am  listening with my heart and ears, and open to God's word. I want so much to do His will, but so often I am so busy praying and doing-I am not listening and hearing. 

Some days, I am blessed with a quiet spirit. My day flows effortlessly with no real hassles and I don't seem to be tugged in too many different directions. Work gets accomplished and I do it with a happy heart, home is a restful place and I can actually feel the presence of my daughter. I know this is when my heart speaks.
She is in my heart now, just a thought away. And when I am blessed with the quiet of morning, my heart will greet her after prayer and the knowledge of her spiritual existence comforts me. You see, I believe only her body ceased to live. Her spirit went to Heaven. I am comfortable with that term. Others may refer to it as something else, but my faith refers to our eternal resting place as Heaven.

I am so grateful for my faith. I don't know how I would have made it through these last 22 months without it. There are so many times I rely totally on the strength of God to guide me, the Holy Spirit to lead me and the truth of Jesus to comfort me that I can't imagine what it would be like if I did not believe. I also acknowledge the spiritual angels that are with us. I believe God understands our confusion and our frustration with this life. He sees our suffering and knows our pain. He is the Great Consoler and will Heal if that is the Greater Good and the Father's will. Sometimes, it all gets to be a little much for me, but I am questioning less and trusting more. I am more open to the conversations of my heart. Frankly, I think sometimes they make much more sense than when I say too much with my mouth. Letting my actions speak is much more effective than any words I might utter.

Life is still happening around me as I grieve. People are still expecting me to act and react to situations that occur in everyday life. What they sometimes don't understand is-frankly, I don't give a damn. Sorry, but some days it is true. Some days it takes everything I have to remember to breathe, to eat, to get dressed, even to pray.

That was mostly true in my earlier stages of grief, but there are some days that can be polarizing. I will admit they are much more infrequent. Usually, there is a trigger-holidays, her birthday, anniversary of her death. What amazes me is how people who claim to be her friends don't remember those dates, don't honor them, don't keep them etched into their brains forever. Again, that was some of the early grief process talking. I have learned people move through their grief stages at much different paces and times and don't go through the stages in any specific order.

It is important for me to remember to let my heart speak and not my mouth when I am talking to someone who might not understand or remember her the same way I do. Not everyone has the same feelings on death and Heaven and God and grief as me-and we are all entitled, right?

I find myself in prayer a lot these days. Sometimes, in the middle of my work day I will catch myself needing strength and comfort, so I ask for it. God understands. He listens wherever I am, He hears my heart speak.
He even hears tears, if the words can't be spoken-the heart speaks all languages, and God understands them all.

Sometimes, I just need someone to sit quietly with me. Not to talk-just be there. That can be a comfort, too. I know it can be hard for friends and family to know what to do or what to say- sometimes. That's why sometimes, it's better if we just let our hearts do the talking-don't you agree?

In the meantime, I'll keep you in my prayers because I know the power of prayer and faith as a mother grieves.