Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Letting Go

This is a difficult post for me to write today. It is more painful than usual. That is because I am allowing myself to feel an emotion I sometimes try to avoid. Anger. Coming up on two years in just a few weeks and I realized, I am not scar-free. I carry wounds I thought had healed. Let me try to put that into words.

I went into a hospital  trusting a staff of doctors and nurses to take care of my daughter and give her their very best care. They were delivered a bright loving, caring woman, wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, granddaughter, friend...

When I left my arms were empty-my heart was broken and my life was forever changed.

As I write this, I am taking breaks because my breathing even changes as I write. Tears flow, my nose runs, and my mind gets numb. I want to let go-but I can't. I pray on it daily. That I will forgive those responsible for her death, because God has forgiven me for His Son's death, but I am not there and I don't know if I ever will be. 

I still see her trusting face as she kissed me in the hallway-see you in about an hour, mom-I love you..one more kiss, I snuck in, before they wheeled her away-the last kiss I would ever place on her precious live body. I made the sign of the cross-God bless you and God be with you..

I haven't touched this blog in two days. I couldn't get through the anger-mostly because what I am dealing with isn't so much anger, as it is-pure, deep sadness. I haven't reached the bottom of my sadness yet. I mask a lot of sadness with anger because I actually feel safer being angry. Don't get me wrong, I can get angry, I have felt angry, and I am sure I will sometimes still get angry, but I don't live there. This is overwhelming sadness that is hard to describe.

I came back today to write more because I have to try to move through it a little at a time. I am so blessed for family and friends who let me vent and talk and share and cry and sob and just sit quietly on the telephone-not talking..

Sometimes, the silence is soothing. I want to curl up inside God's arms and let Him rock me to sleep. Some nights I go to sleep wondering, questioning, and searching..other nights, I remember-My God has the answers, I don't really need to know, it is enough to have faith and to trust in Him.

Letting go and letting God-a day at a time, an hour at a time, pray on it. He listens. We never have to walk our journey of hope alone, only by choice. We have spiritual company whenever we like. Letting go in one way, means opening myself in another. I ask for guidance and strength and light. God understands our paths, He is in control of our steps, if we give our control to Him. Does that make sense? It took me a while to figure it out. Free will for me didn't work out so well. I made a lot of crazy choices that actually made my life more complicated and difficult.

When I asked God to take it all back, I didn't want it any more-He did. Life is so much simpler, when you have direction and purpose. I have gentle guidance and nudges, that for the most part, keep me on track. I have depth to my life, I see the good in people, and I want to see more..

It is possible to find joy in grief. To give love and to feel warmth during your journey. Because even in the darkest of nights-the stars still shine, and after the rainiest day, you may see a rainbow, if not-create one of your own...color the sky with your love and good thoughts for others. Send out healing rays of sunshine to others who may be suffering a loss. Step outside your grief and into a world of hope, if only for a short time.
Allow yourself time to heal-you matter to others.

And always remember to pray-because we know the power of prayer and faith as a mother grieves. Blessings!