Friday, February 1, 2013

Sending you Love

Some days I struggle with being happy. Heck, to be honest, some days I struggle just getting up. I pile a lot on my plate so I don't have to think about my sadness. I do it on purpose because it hurts too badly some days, missing you.

But, today-I am sending you love. I am reaching inside my heart and collecting colorful memories to make a beautiful album, just for you. As I close my eyes, and selectively page through the pictures as they flood my mind, I catch a glimpse of you here and there, and one will stop me. That one, hold it-pull that one out, and put it in the album. Make sure you put a caption with it, and smooth the bubbles out of the sticky film on the album page..

I am also picking flowers from my garden. This is no ordinary garden. My garden is filled with the most aromatic, colorful, gorgeous florals you can imagine. I can see them in my mind. Oh, they may not exist in this world-but in my mind's garden, they do. And I am arranging a bouquet-just for you.

When I open my Hope Chest-my memory box that I filled with moments I captured with you, I sift through them and find the ones that touch me in such a way-it stirs my heart. I am filling my heart with the love and many special memories that only you and I shared..

Writing a love letter now, when you were a child-filling it with x's and o's, meant hugs and kisses..still doing that, until I see you again. I know they find their way to Heaven and get delivered to you-on the wings of angels.

When I see you in a photo frozen in time, for just that one simple mini-moment-I pretend you are with me again. I close my eyes, hold you, kiss you and feel the warmth of your body and see the shine of your hair and your beautiful smile come to life, and then, I open my eyes, and say a prayer of acceptance, because I know I am not fully there yet. But My Father understands and He gently whispers-in time, little one, in time..

And then, I realize the gifts I have been blessed with-my Kim and Tina, My David, my Sons-in-law, and of course, My Eight Grand-Angels, and lots of family and friends-and the greatest blessing of all-you are with Our Heavenly Father and He is in control.

So, today, I am sending you love-in the midst of the sadness, I will find joy and I will share it with others in pain. I love you, Shanny.

And I will always remember to pray because I know the power of prayer and faith as a mother grieves.