Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Talk To Me! Or Not..

Some days I feel so totally alone. In my grief, in my journey, in my day to day struggle with getting along in this world. I ask for direction and I get-zip! I ask for a response to my post and no one-not one person who reads it, leaves a comment. I wonder if it matters at all some days. I wonder if I matter at all some days.

In my prayer life I ask God for answers, and I don't hear Him speak to me. I don't hear music, I don't see signs, or angels or visions. I don't know what to expect, one day I think I am moving forward and the next, I am on my knees sobbing uncontrollably because I saw a picture or heard a song that reminded me of my Shanny. What gives??

I go to therapy, I talk to a shrink. I shouldn't call her that, because I really like her. She is really very compassionate and understanding. She can't help it if she has never lost a child and doesn't know what it really feels like to want to live one day and die the next. Not die in the sense of leave this world because you are so sad you can't go on, just die so you can see your child again. I'd like the option to come back again. I have two daughters here that I love dearly and eight grand angels who keep me in high spirits.

I just need to know some days I am not crazy. When I write, I am sharing and living out loud. I hope I am reaching out to some others who are hurting like me. Maybe together we can heal. It would be nice to know
I am not alone though. I am a strong person but I still need a hand to hold some days. My cheeks still get wet with tears when I miss my baby on any given day.

I know I said I didn't want to talk..( but that doesn't always mean I don't want you to listen to me). How many times have I said that?  I just don't want to talk to you. Hearing myself tell stories about Shanny over and over again never gets old. Shannon will only be 34 years old-forever. I only have so many stories to remember, and I cherish each and every one. I can relive her life and watch her grow up all over again-over and over. The ending never changes, but the story line might vary just a little. Shanny always could make me smile!

I pray and I talk and I look for signs and I believe! What else is there? Please, tell me it will get better, because whoever said-time heals all wounds, was crazy! I guess if enough time goes by, you might become a little used to the thought of your loved one not being in this world any more, but I can't imagine my missing Shanny any less that I do today. I don't think my heart will ever heal like that-there will always be a hole where she fit.

It's just nice to know I am not alone on my journey of hope. I don't refer to it as grief because the grief of losing her is something I have to experience and work on, alone. It is my walk and I know everyone understands that. But, this journey of adjusting and reclaiming-this can be OUR journey, that's why I call it a Journey of Hope.

My prayer is for all of us to see brighter days ahead, to keep our memories near and dear to us, and to keep our loved ones alive with the knowledge that they are loved every day, because we know tomorrow isn't promised. Blessings!

Thanks for letting me vent-I feel better already! I'm here, if you need to do the same.

Keep praying, friends-we know the power of prayer and faith as a mother grieves!