Tuesday, February 12, 2013

And She Whispers, Keep Going!

Yesterday was a little exhausting. I stayed busy to distract myself from thinking. It helps in not recalling the days events from two years ago. I found it isn't healthy for me to relive that day. So, I try to acknowledge it, but not live in it.

Instead, I went to lunch with my girls and we shared memories. We talked about some serious issues, too. Like when I get old, who I am going to live with and David, my husband will just have to come along! My girls can be very protective now. But gee, I am only 57, we really don't need to have this conversation right now, right?

We shared memories that made us laugh, each from a different time in our lives, all involving Shannon. When Kimmy lived with her in her teenage years, and Tina-when she took care of Eva as a baby while Shannon worked. My favorite memories were of Shanny all through her life, really. She could always make me laugh.
There were plenty of tears in our coffee, too. I'm sure Shanny was in the booth with us as we hugged each other and giggled and cried, remembering her as only she could be.

And when the day drew to a close and I had to sleep, I prayed for rest. I told God I was tired. I miss my daughter and I couldn't believe it had been two whole years since I had hugged her, kissed her or held her hand. I'm not sure that seems to be fair, Lord. There are many moms and daughters who do not speak at all these days-they are so busy, or angry. Even when Shanny was here I remember a time or two when we would forget how blessed we were to have each other. I mean-we knew it, but we'd forget to say it out loud. More importantly, we'd forget to show each other simple respect. That shames me now. I sometimes, cannot forgive myself for the days, I was too busy- to answer her call, or to reply to her email. To spend the day with her and the kids, or to babysit..but Shanny insisted, keep going.

So, now I push harder. I want to be the kind of grandma Shanny would be proud of. Actually, I am loving every minute of it. Who knew?! I am cut out to read stories and cuddle kids, to change diapers and to give baths, to make mac n cheese, once again, and to refill a sippy cup. I can play dress ups, pirates, and color (although, I must admit-I sometimes color outside the lines..)

I can be responsible, when I must be. I like being fun when I can be and I love the hugs when they come without asking. There is magic in the smile of a child, it somehow reaches right into your heart and soothes the sadness right out of it. Their trust means the world to me, an I don't want to let them down. Saying no, is only done with love, and is most often worked out with a compromise. Oh, how God has blessed me, eight beautiful times over! So, when I get sad, Shanny whispers...keep going.

My beautiful daughter loves me from heaven with her whispers, keep going, Mom...you're growing!

And, as always, I pray-because I know the power of prayer and faith as a mother grieves!