Wednesday, April 10, 2013

It's Time To Get Dirty

Sometimes I like the feeling of dirt under my nails. I know that may sound crazy, but there is something about this time of year, the smells, and sounds and colors of Spring that lift my spirits. Even getting dirty feels good!
When I run my fingers through the dirt and dig deep into the soil, drop in some seeds and cover them up, there is a feeling of satisfaction that accompanies that  simple action. Perhaps it is because I know what will burst through the ground weeks later as a reward for my labor of love. I may not know fully what to expect, but I know it will be a beautiful surprise.

Something good came from getting dirty. It is that way in life, too. Especially now that I have experienced some dark days. Days that are not pretty and hold no light or color or happiness. Some days that I only remember the cold and pain. And yet, from those days-something good has come. I have learned to feel joy again.

Grief takes away the desire to feel, period. It takes away my energy, my joy, my laughter, my purpose and my reason to care. It robs me of my love for life, my deep emotions and my character. Grief does not allow me to be human, it barely allows me to exist. I must fight daily to struggle through the deepest sense of grief in order to rejoin the living. My life has been suspended for far too long, I have been in limbo. I have been absent from my family too long. My friends are patient, but I am forgetting their needs, too.

Prayer is my refuge. Prayer is the seed I plant. It nurtures my soul. It grows a garden of holistic and peaceful thoughts. Prayer soothes. Like aloe for my aching heart. My hope is in the Lord. He is my strength and my song. With the burden lifted, I am able to see past the pain. I am able to tend my garden. I am able to sow more seeds of love and understanding. To show patience and kindness to those in need. And to pray for those whose grief still overwhelms them.

Once again, it it time to get dirty-planting seeds. Soon, flowers will bloom. The garden will blossom with color, and life will be evidenced once again. What miracles God gives us to enjoy year after year, Spring after Spring. Spring showers wash away the winter darkness, and freshen the earth's soil for our Spring growth.

My tears have given way to a feeling of renewal. I have cried ten thousand tears, but not until the last one fell did I realize, they were cleansing tears, self-forgiving tears, tears of anger, sadness and loss, mingled and mixed and each one just as necessary as the first, until, one day-I let Jesus wipe my eyes. That day my tears turned to memories, and I cherish every one.

So, don't be afraid to get dirty-plant your seeds. Expect your garden to grow, and share your harvest. I'll always remember to pray, because I know the power of prayer and faith as a mother grieves.