Sunday, April 7, 2013

Some Days Are "Y" Days

I am a little over two years into my Hope journey. On most days I can honestly say I can really feel the sunshine now. I see the flowers and smell the roses. And there are wonderful "Y" days. Yesterday, reminded me of Shannon and my heart was overflowing with beautiful memories. I dreamed of my daughter last night and I could hug her as often as I wanted in my dream. It was awesome!

Some "Y" days bring tears. I can yearn for answers to questions that still haunt me. Why did this have to happen? She was so young. How will her babies remember her? Will there ever come a day when life will seem fair? When a child cries for their mommy and I am only babysitting, what does their heart feel like when mommy isn't coming home? That pain makes my stomach ache for them and I want to fix it and I can't. 

When I am with my Grand Eight I want them to feel loved and know how much they mean to me. I want them to have memories to hold onto long after I am gone. Special moments to carry in their hearts that will whisper words of love and encouragement and promise for a dream dreamed can always be achieved.

Like the "Y" with arms uplifted I will praise and sing of joyful times. I will pray for peace and hope for a brighter tomorrow. I will try to quiet my mind and not question "why?" Some days are like that-the questions out number the answers. The tears fall faster than I can wipe them and I forget how to pray. When it becomes the most difficult, is when it is most necessary to-Yield to God's will. Another, 'Y'. Questioning Him only begins a downward spiral for me. It does not help or relieve pain or anxiety. Instead, I am better with some deep breathing exercises and relaxing in a hot bath. Getting a new perspective in that moment can sometimes release some of the stress from the overwhelming sense of grief I might be experiencing.

I know concentrating on good works outside of me, reaching beyond my pain, into someone else's world, into 'You', another Y-can be beneficial on those tough days. When I uplift another heart, my heart benefits. When you give a smile, you smile on the inside, too. Every good act, no matter how small, creates a ripple in the pond, that can reach far and wide..

I want to be able to say YES-a BIG Y word to God, but some days, it is almost painful to raise my head off the pillow, much less pretend to be cheerful. It takes all the energy I can muster to haul myself to work, stay focused and productive and maintain a pretty good attitude. I am working on it daily.

Yonder is a fine word, right? What's out YONDER? It's a little like asking God, what's next. What's out yonder, Lord? Behind the clouds and past the pain. Will my heart ever heal and be whole again? My hope is in You. Only You know what lies ahead, Father-out Yonder..

Yellow is the color of the sun and daffodils and butter and some sad things too. It is a 'why' word for some of us. It might trigger a memory or a moment. Colors, smells, special days, pictures can bring back thoughts  and some might hurt, but one day I believe when healing has seeped deep into our minds, bodies and souls, we will be able to experience these things and know the pleasure those memories once brought us. We will feel the love and warmth of the sun and we will smell the sweet daffodils once again.

Father, I am grateful for the love and hope along this journey. For the friends and family that support me as a walk this path. For new friends who I meet along the way and for "Y" Days. My Yahweh Days-When I know I am lost and need to give it all to You because without You I am nothing.

Yesterday, is but a memory Lord, let it be a pleasant one and let me have served You well in it. Tomorrow is still only a possibility, but today is the day that matters. Help me focus on the tasks of this day, and 'Y'earn to please You in all I do and say. Help me see the good in this day and be an answer to someones 'Why?" Day.

And always remind me to pray, Lord-because no matter what kind of day it is..I always know the power of prayer and faith as a mother grieves.