Saturday, May 25, 2013

I Need to Know

Some days are much better than others, this is not one of those days. So many questions are swimming around in my head-I need to know the answers. That is how I am feeling right now at this very moment. Sadness is engulfing me and I cannot seem to fight my way through it. I need to know, I am not alone in this struggle.

When I have time to think, sometimes it hurts so much to remember, I push it out of my mind-because it is easier to pretend than to face life without my daughter Shanny. I put on a happy face, but I need to know-tears are okay, too.

People don't always understand that even though two years have gone by, the pain is real-like you left me yesterday, some days are like that and I can't help it. I need to know, is it really ever going to hurt less?

A mother does not 'move on'  when she loses a child, a mother does not 'get over it', or divide what love is left among her other children, a mother loves all her children the same, whether they are here or in Heaven. I need to know, Tina and Kim, understand that I don't love them less just because I am struggling today.

Friends say I have changed, I am not the same person I used to be. This is true, part of me died when I lost my daughter, I will never be the same again, I need to know my friends understand, I am still me, just a little bit less of me exists, and some days I can't find 'me.'

Pain wracks a heart the same way it does a body. It devastates and it crushes your spirit, you lose the will to stay strong some days. It is not intentional, it happens and I cannot predict the onslaught of pain, I can only try to pray my way through it. I need to know-God hears my prayers.

There are moments that seem surreal to me. I forget she is gone. I believe she might call or stop by. I see her when I am shopping, or at the grocery store. I call out her name, I cry for what isn't and some days I cry for what is..I need to know, reality isn't always fair but I will survive.

I long to feel her presence, hug her one more time. I just want to tell her, I am so proud that you were mine. I need to know she hears my conversations and she knows my love still, and will forever be-a mother's love because a mother's love never ends. It crosses all boundaries, all universes, all worlds. As long as my heart beats-my love will beat with it. I need to know-she feels my love.

And when my journey is over, and my Father calls me home, I want to see her face and hold her, tell her how my love has never failed. I want to see the flowers and all the balloons and letters I have mailed. I know the love God sends me, His mercy and His grace-so that one day I meet Him, let me gaze upon the face- I had treasured for her lifetime here, until you called her home; then I'll have the answers and I won't need to know-

because I'll have my baby, for all eternity-and all the questions will fall away, You'll have answered me.

Until that day arrives, I will continue to pray, because I know the power of prayer and faith as a mother grieves.