Thursday, May 9, 2013

Who Else Is Hurting?

Some days I can't decide if I am hurting from a crappy day, or from grief.
Truth? I really miss Shanny  24-7, nothing is going to change that-ever, but I think there are other circumstances that add to my grief that make my heart hurt even more. Does that make sense?

A bad day, can become a REALLY bad day, in a heartbeat. Then, it can turn into an emotional breakdown kind of day, if I get lost in the moment. 
It's like a double whammy-when you're down, someone kicks you that much harder, or at least it feels that way, and you become that much more depressed and sad. Sometimes, I confuse that all with grief and I can't tell the two apart. It makes me a little crazy because I want to label every emotion separately. Why? Good question, I don't know. 

Some days, it feels like I am fighting myself when I am trying to pull myself out of it all. I try and let myself feel the pain and move through it, but I get stuck in it. The deep breathing doesn't work, the relaxation doesn't work. Focusing on another thought doesn't work-I just end up frustrated.

So, I reach out to my family and friends for their unfailing love and support. Some days are just harder than others. A phone call, or email can make all the difference in the world on that day. I know it's difficult if you haven't felt this pain, and believe me, I never want you to feel it. But, some days, even when I say everything is fine, it really isn't-I am fighting a quiet battle that day. So, prayers always help me get through the most difficult of times.

Other days, I know you make the effort and it seems as though I rush you off the phone, or I don't respond to your email. Simply put-my energy is in grief that day, and I can't explain it. Tears are at the surface all day long, and I fight just to keep them down so I can get through the work day. It can be exhausting, but please know-I always love you, and am grateful for your thoughtfulness.

I want so much to celebrate Mother's Day..I have two beautiful daughters and eight wonderful grand angels, but a piece of me is missing and my heart aches..
Tina and Kim will share their day with their babies and I will share mine with wish for Shanny is that I could hold her and hug her and she could hold and hug her babies..

My prayer for all Angel Moms every where is that the hurting turns to joy, and your heart finds peace, and I will continue to pray always-because I know the power of prayer and faith as a mother grieves.
Blessings and Hugs!