Friday, May 17, 2013

Why Not Today?

When life gets in the way of my grief, I have a hard time controlling my desire to burrow in and wallow there. After all, we own our grief. We choose to make it a comfortable place to visit filled with all the amenities that our minds can muster up, or we make it unbearable and chaotic-a place that we dread stepping foot inside.

And then, there is that word, a place, an emotion, a verb, a vibration-Change. Why not today? I ask myself this question many times each day-why not take the dog for a walk in the park today? Why not change my haircut today? Why not look for the job of my dreams today? Why not today?

I don't know if it's me or bad timing or what, but 'today' seems too hard. I can list a thousand excuses for why not today, but only one really matters-I'm not ready. God knows it, I know it and I hope my friends and family understand it-I'm just not ready, today.

That doesn't mean that tomorrow might be different, maybe tomorrow I can answer differently, but right at this moment, I am struggling with yesterday, and the yesterdays before that, and all the yesterdays before my life forever changed.

I try and tell myself-little steps. Take one day at a time, maybe not even a day but a morning or afternoon or if I am really hurting, an hour. One day, one hour, one minute if I must, but I will keep trying. Some people say, how long has it been? And my answer is, it doesn't matter, my heart does not know time and it hurts like it was just yesterday-today. 

One promise I will always keep, is to pray-even today, especially today-because my Mighty God and all the Angels will lift me up and through today. Prayer and faith never fail me, God does not fail me. Time and heartache can cripple me, but they will not beat me. Not today, not tomorrow-not ever.

Lean on your faith, give your pain to God, call on your Angel and feel their presence, today.

Some things are meant to happen today. My work needs to get done, the dust bunnies need to be removed, the clutter needs to be taken into control, and my body needs to be rested. My heart may ache today, and my mind might be a little clouded, my eyes might be wet with tears, but my soul is in the hands of the Almighty-today.

Grief has no season. Your heart can ache just as much when the sun shines. How we handle it will make the difference. Who we reach out to for comfort does matter. Knowing that 'today' we might not be able to make a big change or take a giant step, but today-we can recall a memory that brings us joy, we can close our eyes and see our baby and be at peace with the moment. We can rely on God to heal-today. We might seek support from friends, because we are hurting-today. Tomorrow will have to take care of itself, because today is filled with questions and few answers. But when the day is done and I lay my head to rest, let me be assured that 'today' was exactly as it should have been, because I know the power of prayer and faith as a mother grieves.