Saturday, June 22, 2013

Close Your Eyes and See Love

Remember the song- "I Can See Clearly Now the Rain Is Gone?" You know-by Johnny Nash. "I can see all obstacles in my way."
Sometimes, we are our own obstacles. When I close my eyes, I see so much more clearly than I do with my eyes  open.

When I am trying to get through a really rough day, I close my eyes and envision the beach, with rolling waves and a sherbert orange sunset. I see myself strolling along the water, picking up shells and I can almost feel the sand between my toes. It helps when I close my eyes because then I can see love.

Sometimes I am tearful and can't really explain or understand where it is coming from that moment. It feels like a pressure cooker and steam is mounting on the inside with nowhere to go to get out, it just keeps building up until I relieve the pressure, even if it is just a little bit. I close my eyes and I imagine bubbles, lots and lots of bubbles. All different colors and sizes floating gently in the air and one by one they pop and disappear. I begin to let go of some of the pressures, one by one. I close my eyes to try and see love.

Sadness can overwhelm me on occasions. I can recall a memory or hear a song. The longing to see my daughter, to hear her voice or to kiss her, will be so strong-the pain will become extremely intense in the pit of my stomach. Sometimes, I can cry and let it out. Other times I have to work my way through it, because the tears will not flow. On those days, I close my eyes and I recall a favorite memory. In it I am holding her. I can smell her scent, and touch her soft skin. I can feel the soft silkiness of her hair and hold her close to me. I feel the warmth of her breath and the beat of her heart. I close my eyes and see love.

All throughout my life God has sprinkled blessings. Some I have embraced and some I let pass me by. I was in a different place at the time. But today, right now, I turn to God -especially when I mourn and ask Him to help me close my heart to the pain. I learned how much His love heals. He gives me rest and sweetness in my dreams. He gently closes my eyes so I can see love.

Sometimes, I close my eyes to smell a garden filled with sunshine and flowers. Flowers may not always grow in my yard, but they are always growing in my heart. I can catch a breeze and run wild and not be afraid of falling down because I know I will get back up to see my garden yet another day. So, I close my eyes to see love.

When there is raging within and sometimes it leaks out-I pray. Through prayer, God gives me solace in the midst of the storm. He soothes me so when I close my eyes, I see love. 

I have grieved loss in many forms. Relationships, marriage, friendships; but the most devastating has been the loss of my daughter. I had some say in the losses of the others, but when God took my daughter, I had nothing to do with it, and no way to stop it. I can't work on it, repair it, or rekindle it. I can't get therapy for it, rebuild it, or get it back. This loss is so painful, I can't touch it. There is no way to describe it and there is no way to share it. And yet, when I close my eyes, I see love. How? Because when I close my eyes, I see the beautiful gift God allowed me for 34 years. I see her as a baby and toddler, and young child. I see her as a blond teenager all giggly and silly. And I see her as a young woman with great gifts of her own that she brought to this world. When I close my eyes, I see HER love.

Blessings come in all different shapes and sizes. If you really want to experience what this world has to give-close your eyes, and see love.

And always, I will pray because I know the power of prayer and faith as a mother grieves; and now I know the power of prayer and faith as a mother heals!