Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Hear The Whisper of My Heart

My heart is speaking and I hope the angels hear-perhaps they will carry the message to my Shanny.
Today, I have to tell her just how much I love her, how much I miss her and how much I wish she were still a part of this world. Please hear the whisper of my heart.

I know it  sounds selfish, Heaven is a far better place than we can even imagine. This world pales in comparison, but still I miss her laugh and her dances and her silliness. Please hear the whisper of my heart.

Some days, I pray that I could go back in time and make this all go away. That I could paint a different picture, and you would still be in it, with your beautiful smile and your blond hair and your sweet, little self. I want so bad to erase the past two and half years and bring you back. Please, just hear the whisper of my heart.

And then, I think God chose you for a reason and who am I to question His will and His plan. I am just blessed to have called you daughter for thirty four beautiful years. And then, I say, I am sorry I squandered some of that time, being too busy or too whatever to build our relationship and watch it grow. Please just hear the whisper of my heart.

The tears continue to flow freely from my eyes, sorrow rages within, and I can't control the pain that drives me to the edge some days. I want to close my eyes and open them and see you. I want to climb some steps and you be at the top of the staircase. I want to take a boat and sail across the ocean and you be on the other bank waving me in with a big Shanny greeting. Please, just hear the whisper of my heart.

I don't want to wait- until we meet again. It seems forever away, and I don't think I can wait that long. I don't think there is a single day, or even a single hour that you aren't on my mind and I don't want but to see your sweet face and kiss you again. I want to hug you and be a "mom" again. A better  version of the mom, than before you were taken from me. I promise I have learned a lot over the past couple of years, so just hear the whisper of my heart.

Dear God, I know this is all just crazy to you, but I need you to know. My heart is breaking, still after two and half years. I am still a mess, a better mess-but still, a mess. I miss my daughter, and even though I love you with all my heart and soul, I really do, I have to speak the truth-my heart will never beat the same again. I will never see life the same way again. I cannot feel the same ever again. Is that really what You wanted? I am not sure what lesson this was supposed to teach me, but Lord, wasn't there an easier path I could have taken? I know now, why I need the power of prayer and faith so desperately, Lord. 

So, I have only one request-please hold my daughter tonight, Lord and gently stroke her hair. Tell her how much I love her. Please tell her how much I always loved her, even the times I didn't make it so apparent to her, love was always in my heart. I loved her then,  I love her now and I will love her forever, Lord. Will you please tell her that for me. Lord, please just hear the whisper of my heart.